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You Don't Know Jack: Project Bellyband
10/5/2009
How many people out there had to wash three pairs of flip flops in the dishwasher last night? Not many, huh? You may be wondering why I bring this up. Or you don't care at all. In which case, you should probably move on to more enlightening and informational articles by my fellow IndyHub Spokes. However, if you want to hear about the main man in my life, then read on sistah! (and brothers of course - though I doubt any men read this stuff)

HE is the most incredible guy. Never talks back. Never questions my motives or thinks I look fat. He is so friggin' cute too. Big brown eyes, curly hair and a perma grin from ear to ear. He doesn't care what we do as long as we're together. If I want to sleep, he'll sleep. If I want to watch TV, he'll get the remote. If I'm hungry he could care less about what I want as long as I give him a bite.

His life literally revolves around me and let's face it, that's the quickest and most pain free way to this gal's heart.

So what does this have to do with washing flip flops in the dishwasher on the pots and pans cycle?

Well... my man, he is fabulous - but not perfect. Today was the day I hit the ceiling and realized that I don't know Jack... about Jack.

Jack Bear Thixton, the man of my dreams, is also my favorite lil' doggy! My crazy, wild-eyed pup who after almost of year of living with me still cannot grasp the concept of peeing outside - and not on my shoes.

And it's not just my shoes... it's been:

my yoga mat (it was really awesome figuring that one out 40 minutes into class)
my house guest's tennis shoes (he does have a thing for shoes, just like his momma!)
the edge of my couch ten million times over (I took a razor to it and cut the whole bottom half of my couch off. don't ask.)
my favorite new floral scarf (and I figured that out half way to LA on a plane - gross)
on my mom's dog Bailey multiple times (which really cracks me up)
my neighbors wedding gift from Bed, Bath & Beyond that I picked up so no one would steal it off the porch. (not sure what is worse, a stolen gift or a golden gift from Jack)
AND he peed right on my leg in front of my whole family and I will never ever hear the end of that one

This list goes on and on and on and on and on.

And I'm not a neat freak by all means, but THIS is just a new level of disgusting that I can no longer handle! Hence the commencement of PROJECT BELLYBAND.

I've tried a number of things to get him to stop... stay off sprays, pee here instead sprays, yelling and screaming and shoving his nose in it, the silent treatment and even a little reverse psychology but nothing sticks. Except his stains. Haha - I crack me up.

Anyhow, my dear friend Gwyn used a belly band (basically a doggy diaper) for her dog and her lil' dude, Luke, is totally healed now! And it's even kinda cute as it should be for a twenty dollar diaper. So, beginning today Jack will be wearing a belly band until he straightens out his life and starts making better choices. And if I hear one more person say that there are no bad dogs, just bad owners I will remind them of the deep commitment that I made to the man in my life, the man of my dreams -

Jack, I do. Until pee does us part.

Oh hi! Jill Thixton here, of IndyHub's fabulous question and answer forum, 'You don't know Jack.' Jack is my dog. You'll meet later. What makes me an accredited advice columnist? Not much. I'm not a doctor. I'm not even a writer. I have a degree in apparel merchandising and marketing. Yes, fashion merchandising Ala Elle Woods. I've ventured down several career paths and I'm only 29. My family and friends are a lil' nuts and have exposed me to way more interesting life situations than one would imagine possible in Indianapolis. So, it gives me loads to analyze. So why on earth would you want to hear what i have to say? I have no idea, but I'm going to hop on the soap box and roll with it.

Click here to post your comment

10/29/2009 5:15:11 PM
Does Jack play the piano?
He sounds like the pianist type!

10/7/2009 12:22:29 PM
hhaha.
hilarious. i peed a little in my pants reading this. thanks jack.